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The Heartbreak Kid (2007)

I remember when this movie first came out. I was 15 when I first saw it and thought it was cute and romantic and thought nothing more of it.

Now, as a 26-year-old man sipping on diet coke and Irish whiskey, my eyes have been opened. Whether it’s the alcohol or the fact that I’ve aged or maybe even a mixture of the two, I have no idea. All I know is this movie is nothing more than what I’ve described: a way to kill two hours.

My biggest problem with this movie isn’t the fact that he falls in love with a woman after two days of knowing her. Or even the fact that they casually treat spousal rape as a joke when Eddie is LITERALLY in the fetal position on their honeymoon. It’s that Ben Stiller’s character in this is a total piece of garbage.

I remember when I first saw this movie, I thought, “Oh, he’s just going after the woman he loves,” when in actuality, he is screwing around on his wife with a woman that he met ON HIS HONEYMOON. I get that Malin Akerman’s character is a real piece of work, but that is far and away from an excuse to cheat on her and start dating a woman you met ON YOUR HONEYMOON. DUDE. It’s not a car dealership!! You can’t just be like, “Oh, I test drove this one and didn’t like it. Lemme get another!!”

And what’s even worse is he repeats the cycle by the end of the movie. I won’t go into too many details. Not because I’m afraid that I’ll spoil the movie (it’s been out since 2007. Everyone who was going to see it probably already has ((Except my girlfriend, who I’ll likely force to watch this with me so she can relive the pain I faced while seeing this again. Also, did I just do a double parenthesis? Yes. Yes I did) )) but because I don’t want to relive the horror.

Rating: 3/10

Forever Purge (2021)

I’m sorry but this is like beating a dead horse with a bigger dead horse.

The first Purge movie was actually quite good. I know some people like to crap on it but I thought it had an interesting concept that hadn’t been done before.

…now it’s been done. You keep ramming these movies down our throats and expect schmucks like me to see them…you’re right.

As long as I have my Regal Unlimited, I will 100% see the next 10 Purge movies based on name recognition alone. Doesn’t matter if the movies suck ass

Scoob! (2020)

The only reason I saw this is because my girlfriend wanted to see it. The only reason I went to the theatre to see this is because I have Regal Unlimited and I had enough credits built up for a free ticket to go with it. The only money I spent was the overpriced concessions. But I’ll pay it if they don’t take my cinema away from me again.

This movie should’ve never been made. There. I said it.

Yes, nostalgia and all that good stuff but seriously. Why did this have to be a thing?

First off, don’t let it fool you. The people this movie is geared towards is young adults. Not kids. Not teenagers. People in their early to mid 20’s. But I’m 27 and I still didn’t get every single reference they threw at me. The few I did, were met with guffaws by me but that was only because they were so dumb that I had no choice but to laugh.

They had a such a good chance to make a decent movie with the talent they had at their disposal but they couldn’t even do that right.

I’m not saying this movie is on the level of Showdogs (The dog in this movie didn’t dab for one) but the fact that they gave this dog a middle name (which the policeman at the beginning of the movie asked for) infuriates me. “If a dog has a middle name, I can’t take it to jail” The only reason I’m not giving this movie a 1/10 is because it knew it was dumb from the get-go and just tried to roll with it.

Rating: 3/10

Profile (2018)

Profile (2018 or 2021. However you want to look at it)

The screen life genre is one that I feel is severely underrated. That includes movies like Unfriended and Searching. I remember seeing those both in theatres and thinking they were quite good. Not masterpieces but they tried something new. I think in a decade or so, we’ll see more movies just like it.

Profile will not be the movie that pushes this genre forward however. The movie wasn’t a dud but it was just boring to watch. You can guess the plot of the movie by just watching the trailer and those are the worst types of movies. The whole love story between the two, where she falls in love with a terrorist in the span of a month is cringy. Him calling her “Baby” every other scene isn’t romantic in any sort of fashion. It’s annoying.

Overall however, the movie wasn’t a complete waste of time. I felt that it moved at a pretty good pace. They didn’t waste too much time on things that plainly didn’t matter. I actually semi cared about her relationship with her British boyfriend. That’s what I look for in a good movie. Actually caring about the characters.

I might see this movie again in theatres but that’s only because I have Regal Unlimited and I won’t waste time seeing it over other movies.

It’s a lot better than Scoob!…

Rating 5/10

Wrath of Man (2021)

Wrath of Man (2021)

This movie was twisted and I loved it.

I was expecting just another Statham action, but it was more than that. There were plenty of characters that you learned about the entire length of the movie. You didn’t learn too much about their backstory nor too little. It was just right.

The problem however was, it was a Guy Ritchie piece…

No disrespect to the man, I’m just personally not a fan of how his movies are shot. Tarantino is the only director whose movies are shot out of order that I’ll watch consistently. Everyone else just doesn’t do it for me.

I feel that if this movie was shot start to finish with us learning about each character in CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, I would’ve enjoyed it more.

Another thing was how they revealed the villain. It was basically the bad guy coming up to Jason Statham’s character and being like “Sup! I’m the bad guy”…Really? That’s the angle you decided on Guy?

But I did enjoy it and that’s saying something. I usually don’t love movies where the only goal of the main character is blow things up and kill everyone. But this movie had a dark edge to it that I didn’t see coming. I could see myself watching this again (especially since my local Regal opened back up) but not till I’ve seen Profile.

Rating: 7/10

Legion (2010)

I was bored. Plain and simple

For those wondering if you have to know the bible to watch this movie, the answer is no. No you do not. They show a couple of guys with wings in a place that’s supposed to be heaven but looks more like one of the Halo structures.

The editing in this movie might be the worst part about it. Whenever there’s a fight scene, it just bounces all over the place. That wouldn’t have saved the movie but still. If you’re going to do a battle with the characters that were in the battle, at least slow it down a bit

I honestly didn’t care about any character in this movie. That includes the woman with the baby. You’re smoking while pregnant and then acting like “Oh wait!! I’m not supposed to do this!!!! I should stop to show the audience how great of a character arc I have!!”

Serioulsly?!?!?! You didn’t know smoking while pregnant was bad before?? Even if you’re the biggest asshole on the planet, you know smoking or drinking while pregnant is bad for the baby.

I would not watch this movie again. At least for another year or so till I have a craving to. May God have mercy on my soul when that happens.

Rating: 2/10

Mortal Kombat (2021)

Was there really a need for this…I’m being completely serious. When will they learn that video game movies DO NOT WORK.

Please name a video game movie that was an instant blockbuster and a hit with the fans…thought not.

The genre is born from a bad situation. People spend hundreds of hours playing these games and then the directors have the hard job of cramming those into a couple hours. It’s an unfair game.

But maybe next time you’re making a Mortal Kombat movie, don’t actually say lines in the movie like “Fatality” or “FIGHT!!”

That might’ve landed for one out of ten people but it left the rest of us shaking our head.

This wasn’t a bad movie. It was actually entertaining. But not the good entertaining. More like this movie isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen entertaining.

I hate the fact that I have an urge to see every movie I can in the actual theatre but it’s a curse. Hard pass on this one again.

Rating: 5/10

Godzilla Vs Kong (2021)

I have literally been waiting for this movie for years.

I remember when they hinted at it in the after-credit scene for Kong Skull Island (2017) and thought “Hmmm. Two giant ass monsters kicking the crap out of each other? That seems over the top, overdone, and overly unnecessary… I want it”

For what it was (Monsters duking it out and such) this film was great. I saw it in the only place that you could see this: In the theatre. Studios can put however many movies they want on a streaming service, but I will always pick a giant ass screen with surround sound over my smart tv with a sound bar. There was everything you could ask for. Explosions, giant monsters fighting, good human characters…okay maybe not that last part.

Like I said I enjoyed the monsters in this movie greatly, but the humans had very little to offer. From start to finish they just didn’t make you care whatsoever about what was going on in their life. Yes I know it’s a monster movie but why have humans if you’re not going to…you know…use them?

Another thing I noticed is the Hollow Earth. We’ve already established in King of Monsters that it’s this little region under the earth where Godzilla lives but in that it looks like a little cave where he just posts up and hangs out. And for this they completely change what it’s all about and are just like “It’s like Skull Island upside down” (Spoiler alert. Not really)

These are just small things that didn’t ruin the movie, but they are the things that kept me from rating it higher.

Rating: 7/10

Diary of the Dead (2008)

This movie…was a movie.

I’ve been on a nostalgia trip lately as you can probably tell from some of these reviews. Diary of the Dead was one of the movies that made me fall in love with found footage when I was a teenager. I thought that the story that George Romero put together was a masterpiece. Looking back at it now…meh.

I have two problems with this movie: Jason the camera man and some of the acting.

From the get-go Jason acts like he’s the next Spielberg. One of his friends is also a directing major and he treats him like he’s an intern.  And the way that he is CONSTANTLY SHOOTING THE MOST INITIMATE PARTS OF PEOPLE’S LIVES. I get it. That’s his story. He wants to get what’s happening to the world out on the internet because nobody else will cover it. But seriously dude. One of your friends was being chased by a zombie and you just stood there like “Oh yeah, she’ll be fine.” If you had been in my group, I would’ve punched your ass out.

The acting though……

There are just times in this movie where I bust out laughing because I actually think the movie is trying to be a comedy and then I realize they were actually trying for a serious moment. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing but respect for George A. Romero. I believe without him, zombie lore wouldn’t be what it is today. But I do believe that not every direction can make a blockbuster hit. Some of have to be duds.

At least it isn’t Survival of the Dead though…

Rating: 6/10

Dawn of The Dead (2004)

For the love of God not every single movie needs a remake.

Like The Heartbreak Kid, Dawn of the Dead (2004) was another movie that I watched when I was younger that I thought was really good. Hell when I remembered this movie was directed by Zach Snyder in his directorial debut and WRITTEN by James Gunn, I had hope.

But as many super teams in sports have proven, just because you name recognition doesn’t mean you are champions.

There’s really no saving gracing to this movie. Running zombies for one?!?! The overall scariness of zombies is that it’s a slow death. You see them coming from a mile away but you know no matter what you do, their numbers will eventually overwhelm you. The fact that they made each zombie as fast as Usain Bolt ruined the suspense of this movie. Everything happened way to fast to even know what was going on. Maybe that’s a good thing. Then I wouldn’t have had to see the horrible makeup on the dead. Seriously it looked like they just slapped some ketchup on a few extras and said “Screw it they look close enough”

And is there a reason that they overly stress throughout the entire movie, that only head shots can take them down yet there are numerous zombies who get killed by a shotgun blast to the chest? This could’ve been used to be its own thing. A zombie movie where head shots aren’t the only way to kill them? A small effect but game changing. Except they decided to say in post “Ehh screw it. The bullet landed close enough to the head”.

Not everything can be the Walking Dead I guess.

This movie isn’t one you watch on a Saturday night. It’s not one where you watch it while drunk.

It’s a movie where you watch it for one reason alone: Nostalgia.

I really regret wasting $3 to rent this but hindsight is a bitch sometimes.

Rating: 3/10