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The Heartbreak Kid (2007)

I remember when this movie first came out. I was 15 when I first saw it and thought it was cute and romantic and thought nothing more of it.

Now, as a 26-year-old man sipping on diet coke and Irish whiskey, my eyes have been opened. Whether it’s the alcohol or the fact that I’ve aged or maybe even a mixture of the two, I have no idea. All I know is this movie is nothing more than what I’ve described: a way to kill two hours.

My biggest problem with this movie isn’t the fact that he falls in love with a woman after two days of knowing her. Or even the fact that they casually treat spousal rape as a joke when Eddie is LITERALLY in the fetal position on their honeymoon. It’s that Ben Stiller’s character in this is a total piece of garbage.

I remember when I first saw this movie, I thought, “Oh, he’s just going after the woman he loves,” when in actuality, he is screwing around on his wife with a woman that he met ON HIS HONEYMOON. I get that Malin Akerman’s character is a real piece of work, but that is far and away from an excuse to cheat on her and start dating a woman you met ON YOUR HONEYMOON. DUDE. It’s not a car dealership!! You can’t just be like, “Oh, I test drove this one and didn’t like it. Lemme get another!!”

And what’s even worse is he repeats the cycle by the end of the movie. I won’t go into too many details. Not because I’m afraid that I’ll spoil the movie (it’s been out since 2007. Everyone who was going to see it probably already has ((Except my girlfriend, who I’ll likely force to watch this with me so she can relive the pain I faced while seeing this again. Also, did I just do a double parenthesis? Yes. Yes I did) )) but because I don’t want to relive the horror.

Rating: 3/10

Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021)

Please for the love of God just let this damn franchise die.

Ghost Dimension was supposed to be the last one and even then it was a couple movies too late. As much as I love Kathryn Newton, if they would’ve stopped after the third movie and she never starred in the fourth movie, I wouldn’t have cared. Now they’re just tainting what was at the time one of my top ten found footage movies. The rest of the series has just ruined the first one for me so much, I can barely watch it.

You could definitely tell this movie was shot during Covid. I was confused at why everyone was wearing masks at first (is Tobi infectious?) then I remembered “Oh yeah…quarantine”

Was there a reason that there was slow motion in this movie? Like who is editing that into the random footage they found? Also when one of the guys dies, you can definitely tell they’re using a fake head BECAUSE OF THE SLOW MOTION

Also some of the camera shots make no sense. It felt at times that they forgot this was a found footage movie.

This movie was just such a disappointment. I knew it wouldn’t be great but hard pass on seeing this one again…ever

Rating: 3/10

Dune (2021)

WHAT A TRIP!!

The visuals on this movie alone were worth it. I remember watching that big battle in the middle of the movie, I just sat there in the theatre with a wide smile on my face. It made me want to yell and jump through a brick wall. I just wish they would’ve showed more of it.

Usually I’m not a fan of movies with long runtimes but you HAD to have it with this feature. There were just so many intersecting plots that it would’ve been impossible otherwise.

My only beef with the movie was I didn’t understand a lot of the different factions but I’m sure (at least I hope) they’ll go more into it with Part 2. I’m also sure I would understand it more if I read the book, which as it so happens just jumped to the top of my list!

But on another note, why put Zendaya on the poster when she’s only in 5% of the movie? I get that name recognition sells and she’s going to be a big part of the next movie, but still. Another thing that I hope they go into in Part 2

Rating: 10/10

Army of The Dead (2021)

I was finally able to sit down and watch Army of The Dead on Netflix.

I remember when this movie was first released, and it was available at a small theatre close to my apartment. I waited to see it because I also wanted to take my fiancé with me as well. But she hates seeing movies in the theatre and by that time I had missed my window. Life happened and I just sort of forgot about it till today.

End result…meh.

Don’t get me wrong. If you put Zach Snyder’s name in front of anything, I will go see it. It could be the worst rated movie of all time and I’d still see it.

But this movie wasn’t one you’d pay to see if you could avoid it. I am always someone who’d rather see something on the big screen than my 55 inch with a soundbar any day. But if you’re not like me, then Netflix will suit you just fine.

This movie was actually quite interesting. You actually had a social hierarchy with the Z’s that you really hadn’t seen in zombie movies before.

That didn’t make up for Dave Bautista literally murmuring half his lines. Maybe I didn’t have my volume up loud enough, but I doubt that would’ve helped. Besides him, there’s really not any names I’d recognize from this besides the director and that’s never a good sign.

I’d see this movie again but if they did a re-release in theatres, don’t count me in for first in line.

Rating: 6/10

Eternals (2021)

I’m just gonna be honest. Kit Harrington saying that he had feelings for a character named Sersi (pronounced like the Mad Queen herself) made me a little uncomfortable. Disney knew exactly what they were doing when they cast him in the role.

Overall I did enjoy this movie. The big thing I’m going to harp on is the runtime.

I get it. There are a lot of blockbusters out there that are 2 and a half, 3 hour and in case of the Snyder cut, 4 hours long. But that doesn’t mean every movie should be. If this movie had only been an hour and forty five minutes, I doubt I would’ve noticed the change.

Another thing that sort of irked me a little bit in the beginning was how they would do 15 minutes of present day and then proceed to cut to the past for about the same amount of time. In the end, I knew what they were doing (providing backstory and all that good stuff) but at the same time if it had only been a condensed version and save the rest for the unrated cut, that would’ve been perfectly fine.

Overall I’m going to have to give this movie an 7.5 out of 10. The run time really just brought it down where I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving it an 8. I’ll still probably see it again while it’s still in theatres because the Cinema experience MUST NEVER BE ALLOWED TO DIE.

Forever Purge (2021)

I’m sorry but this is like beating a dead horse with a bigger dead horse.

The first Purge movie was actually quite good. I know some people like to crap on it but I thought it had an interesting concept that hadn’t been done before.

…now it’s been done. You keep ramming these movies down our throats and expect schmucks like me to see them…you’re right.

As long as I have my Regal Unlimited, I will 100% see the next 10 Purge movies based on name recognition alone. Doesn’t matter if the movies suck ass

Scoob! (2020)

The only reason I saw this is because my girlfriend wanted to see it. The only reason I went to the theatre to see this is because I have Regal Unlimited and I had enough credits built up for a free ticket to go with it. The only money I spent was the overpriced concessions. But I’ll pay it if they don’t take my cinema away from me again.

This movie should’ve never been made. There. I said it.

Yes, nostalgia and all that good stuff but seriously. Why did this have to be a thing?

First off, don’t let it fool you. The people this movie is geared towards is young adults. Not kids. Not teenagers. People in their early to mid 20’s. But I’m 27 and I still didn’t get every single reference they threw at me. The few I did, were met with guffaws by me but that was only because they were so dumb that I had no choice but to laugh.

They had a such a good chance to make a decent movie with the talent they had at their disposal but they couldn’t even do that right.

I’m not saying this movie is on the level of Showdogs (The dog in this movie didn’t dab for one) but the fact that they gave this dog a middle name (which the policeman at the beginning of the movie asked for) infuriates me. “If a dog has a middle name, I can’t take it to jail” The only reason I’m not giving this movie a 1/10 is because it knew it was dumb from the get-go and just tried to roll with it.

Rating: 3/10

Profile (2018)

Profile (2018 or 2021. However you want to look at it)

The screen life genre is one that I feel is severely underrated. That includes movies like Unfriended and Searching. I remember seeing those both in theatres and thinking they were quite good. Not masterpieces but they tried something new. I think in a decade or so, we’ll see more movies just like it.

Profile will not be the movie that pushes this genre forward however. The movie wasn’t a dud but it was just boring to watch. You can guess the plot of the movie by just watching the trailer and those are the worst types of movies. The whole love story between the two, where she falls in love with a terrorist in the span of a month is cringy. Him calling her “Baby” every other scene isn’t romantic in any sort of fashion. It’s annoying.

Overall however, the movie wasn’t a complete waste of time. I felt that it moved at a pretty good pace. They didn’t waste too much time on things that plainly didn’t matter. I actually semi cared about her relationship with her British boyfriend. That’s what I look for in a good movie. Actually caring about the characters.

I might see this movie again in theatres but that’s only because I have Regal Unlimited and I won’t waste time seeing it over other movies.

It’s a lot better than Scoob!…

Rating 5/10

Wrath of Man (2021)

Wrath of Man (2021)

This movie was twisted and I loved it.

I was expecting just another Statham action, but it was more than that. There were plenty of characters that you learned about the entire length of the movie. You didn’t learn too much about their backstory nor too little. It was just right.

The problem however was, it was a Guy Ritchie piece…

No disrespect to the man, I’m just personally not a fan of how his movies are shot. Tarantino is the only director whose movies are shot out of order that I’ll watch consistently. Everyone else just doesn’t do it for me.

I feel that if this movie was shot start to finish with us learning about each character in CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, I would’ve enjoyed it more.

Another thing was how they revealed the villain. It was basically the bad guy coming up to Jason Statham’s character and being like “Sup! I’m the bad guy”…Really? That’s the angle you decided on Guy?

But I did enjoy it and that’s saying something. I usually don’t love movies where the only goal of the main character is blow things up and kill everyone. But this movie had a dark edge to it that I didn’t see coming. I could see myself watching this again (especially since my local Regal opened back up) but not till I’ve seen Profile.

Rating: 7/10

Legion (2010)

I was bored. Plain and simple

For those wondering if you have to know the bible to watch this movie, the answer is no. No you do not. They show a couple of guys with wings in a place that’s supposed to be heaven but looks more like one of the Halo structures.

The editing in this movie might be the worst part about it. Whenever there’s a fight scene, it just bounces all over the place. That wouldn’t have saved the movie but still. If you’re going to do a battle with the characters that were in the battle, at least slow it down a bit

I honestly didn’t care about any character in this movie. That includes the woman with the baby. You’re smoking while pregnant and then acting like “Oh wait!! I’m not supposed to do this!!!! I should stop to show the audience how great of a character arc I have!!”

Serioulsly?!?!?! You didn’t know smoking while pregnant was bad before?? Even if you’re the biggest asshole on the planet, you know smoking or drinking while pregnant is bad for the baby.

I would not watch this movie again. At least for another year or so till I have a craving to. May God have mercy on my soul when that happens.

Rating: 2/10

Mortal Kombat (2021)

Was there really a need for this…I’m being completely serious. When will they learn that video game movies DO NOT WORK.

Please name a video game movie that was an instant blockbuster and a hit with the fans…thought not.

The genre is born from a bad situation. People spend hundreds of hours playing these games and then the directors have the hard job of cramming those into a couple hours. It’s an unfair game.

But maybe next time you’re making a Mortal Kombat movie, don’t actually say lines in the movie like “Fatality” or “FIGHT!!”

That might’ve landed for one out of ten people but it left the rest of us shaking our head.

This wasn’t a bad movie. It was actually entertaining. But not the good entertaining. More like this movie isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen entertaining.

I hate the fact that I have an urge to see every movie I can in the actual theatre but it’s a curse. Hard pass on this one again.

Rating: 5/10