Godzilla Vs Kong (2021)

I have literally been waiting for this movie for years.

I remember when they hinted at it in the after-credit scene for Kong Skull Island (2017) and thought “Hmmm. Two giant ass monsters kicking the crap out of each other? That seems over the top, overdone, and overly unnecessary… I want it”

For what it was (Monsters duking it out and such) this film was great. I saw it in the only place that you could see this: In the theatre. Studios can put however many movies they want on a streaming service, but I will always pick a giant ass screen with surround sound over my smart tv with a sound bar. There was everything you could ask for. Explosions, giant monsters fighting, good human characters…okay maybe not that last part.

Like I said I enjoyed the monsters in this movie greatly, but the humans had very little to offer. From start to finish they just didn’t make you care whatsoever about what was going on in their life. Yes I know it’s a monster movie but why have humans if you’re not going to…you know…use them?

Another thing I noticed is the Hollow Earth. We’ve already established in King of Monsters that it’s this little region under the earth where Godzilla lives but in that it looks like a little cave where he just posts up and hangs out. And for this they completely change what it’s all about and are just like “It’s like Skull Island upside down” (Spoiler alert. Not really)

These are just small things that didn’t ruin the movie, but they are the things that kept me from rating it higher.

Rating: 7/10

Diary of the Dead (2008)

This movie…was a movie.

I’ve been on a nostalgia trip lately as you can probably tell from some of these reviews. Diary of the Dead was one of the movies that made me fall in love with found footage when I was a teenager. I thought that the story that George Romero put together was a masterpiece. Looking back at it now…meh.

I have two problems with this movie: Jason the camera man and some of the acting.

From the get-go Jason acts like he’s the next Spielberg. One of his friends is also a directing major and he treats him like he’s an intern.  And the way that he is CONSTANTLY SHOOTING THE MOST INITIMATE PARTS OF PEOPLE’S LIVES. I get it. That’s his story. He wants to get what’s happening to the world out on the internet because nobody else will cover it. But seriously dude. One of your friends was being chased by a zombie and you just stood there like “Oh yeah, she’ll be fine.” If you had been in my group, I would’ve punched your ass out.

The acting though……

There are just times in this movie where I bust out laughing because I actually think the movie is trying to be a comedy and then I realize they were actually trying for a serious moment. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing but respect for George A. Romero. I believe without him, zombie lore wouldn’t be what it is today. But I do believe that not every direction can make a blockbuster hit. Some of have to be duds.

At least it isn’t Survival of the Dead though…

Rating: 6/10

Dawn of The Dead (2004)

For the love of God not every single movie needs a remake.

Like The Heartbreak Kid, Dawn of the Dead (2004) was another movie that I watched when I was younger that I thought was really good. Hell when I remembered this movie was directed by Zach Snyder in his directorial debut and WRITTEN by James Gunn, I had hope.

But as many super teams in sports have proven, just because you name recognition doesn’t mean you are champions.

There’s really no saving gracing to this movie. Running zombies for one?!?! The overall scariness of zombies is that it’s a slow death. You see them coming from a mile away but you know no matter what you do, their numbers will eventually overwhelm you. The fact that they made each zombie as fast as Usain Bolt ruined the suspense of this movie. Everything happened way to fast to even know what was going on. Maybe that’s a good thing. Then I wouldn’t have had to see the horrible makeup on the dead. Seriously it looked like they just slapped some ketchup on a few extras and said “Screw it they look close enough”

And is there a reason that they overly stress throughout the entire movie, that only head shots can take them down yet there are numerous zombies who get killed by a shotgun blast to the chest? This could’ve been used to be its own thing. A zombie movie where head shots aren’t the only way to kill them? A small effect but game changing. Except they decided to say in post “Ehh screw it. The bullet landed close enough to the head”.

Not everything can be the Walking Dead I guess.

This movie isn’t one you watch on a Saturday night. It’s not one where you watch it while drunk.

It’s a movie where you watch it for one reason alone: Nostalgia.

I really regret wasting $3 to rent this but hindsight is a bitch sometimes.

Rating: 3/10

The Heartbreak Kid (2007)

I remember when this movie first came out. I was 15 when I first saw it and thought it was cute and romantic and thought nothing more of it.

Now, as a 26-year-old man sipping on diet coke and Irish whiskey, my eyes have been opened. Whether it’s the alcohol or the fact that I’ve aged or maybe even a mixture of the two, I have no idea. All I know is this movie is nothing more than what I’ve described: a way to kill two hours.

My biggest problem with this movie isn’t the fact that he falls in love with a woman after two days of knowing her. Or even the fact that they casually treat spousal rape as a joke when Eddie is LITERALLY in the fetal position on their honeymoon. It’s that Ben Stiller’s character in this is a total piece of garbage.

I remember when I first saw this movie, I thought, “Oh, he’s just going after the woman he loves,” when in actuality, he is screwing around on his wife with a woman that he met ON HIS HONEYMOON. I get that Malin Akerman’s character is a real piece of work, but that is far and away from an excuse to cheat on her and start dating a woman you met ON YOUR HONEYMOON. DUDE. It’s not a car dealership!! You can’t just be like, “Oh, I test drove this one and didn’t like it. Lemme get another!!”

And what’s even worse is he repeats the cycle by the end of the movie. I won’t go into too many details. Not because I’m afraid that I’ll spoil the movie (it’s been out since 2007. Everyone who was going to see it probably already has ((Except my girlfriend, who I’ll likely force to watch this with me so she can relive the pain I faced while seeing this again. Also, did I just do a double parenthesis? Yes. Yes I did) )) but because I don’t want to relive the horror.

Rating: 3/10

Raya and the Last Dragon (2021)

What a surprise. Another good Disney movie.

Honestly, I just expected this movie to be a flop. I thought it was just going to be another Disney movie with a dragon in it. I’m glad to see it wasn’t a Mulan rip off. It actually had its own story to it.

Was the fact that Raya looked like Moana without curly hair a little annoying? Yes. I mean come on you couldn’t have picked a different character model for her?

Overall though I thought the movie was incredibly well done. Even as a 26-year-old man, I still find some humor meant for children pretty funny.

The part of the story that I noticed that was never acknowledged but it was obviously there was the sexual chemistry between the two main female characters. Kelly Marie Tran herself (The voice of Raya) has said that she viewed her character as gay. I understand that Disney would have reservations about making the female lead a lesbian but at the end of the day, love is love. How is it any different than Ariel being in love with Eric or Aurora and Phillip? Yes, I get that parents will have to explain to their kids why two women have feelings for each other, but do you really think that this will be the only time they encounter someone from the LGBTQ+ community?

The thing that pissed me off most about this movie wasn’t the plot, wasn’t the run time, it honestly didn’t have anything to do with the movie. It was the fact before the show that in the lobby of the theatre that a grown ass man had to be told several times to put his mask over his nose and threw a hissy fit when the employees asked him politely to put it on…seriously?? You seem to forget bro that we’re in a pandemic. It takes you TEN MINUTES to get your concessions and then you go to the auditorium. Everyone in there is socially distanced enough in there that nobody cares if you have your neck gaiter that does absolutely nothing to protect you. Yes, there is no national mask mandate but at the end of the day, AMC has made it clear if you want to see a movie at their business, then wear your damn mask, sit down, watch the movie and just shut up. I’ve diverted away from the movie, but this was just something that pissed me off greatly.

Overall though this movie was one I would 100% see again but not until it’s free on Disney +. There’s just something different about seeing a movie in the theatre than at home and I’d rather not spend $30 plus on this so my girlfriend and I can watch it again.

Rating: 8/10

Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021)

IT’S HERE. IT’S HERE. IT’S HERE HBOFUBUHFIUOHREOWIUHFOIUHWREIOUF

Finally, after 4 long years we as fans were finally graced with the director’s cut of Justice League. After first hearing that Josh Whedon was put in charge of Justice League after Zach Snyder had to step down after his daughters untimely passing, I was worried that he wouldn’t be true to Zach Snyder’s original script. And wouldn’t you know? I was right.

Whedon had basically said piss off to Snyder. “Oh instead of this super serious scene into Cyborg’s origin story, let’s put some dumb humor that won’t land at all”

For real though, there’s a reason that the Snyder Cut is rated R. They cut off the bad guy’s head for one!! Damn, if I hadn’t been watching this at 11 o’clock at night, I would’ve started a slow clap with the neighbors. As it was, I had to settle for doing silent jazz hands with my girlfriends dog.

One of the biggest problems I’ve seen critics have against this movie is the runtime…SERIOUSLY?

What was the problem with Endgame being 3 hours long? Great movie. What was the problem with The Two Towers almost being 3 hours long? Nothing because it’s still my personal favorite movie of all time. Do I admit that these movies run a bit long? Sure why not. But what people seem to forget…this movie is a on a streaming service!!! If you need a break, just pause it and do something else. That’s what I did and the movie was still amazing. Although I am the type that likes to watch movies all the way through in one go, this took me a while. If this movie hadn’t been so long, we wouldn’t have been to finally see Jared Leto’s version of Joker. Does his five minutes bring him to Joaquin and Heath’s level. Not even close, but he’s a bit more tolerable.

But the glory of this movie, it comes in acts. That gives you SIX points during the movie where you can pause it and go get a quick game in on Warzone or re-read LOTR.

Yes I like Lord of The Rings. You’ll find that out quickly.

But for real guys, this movie almost HAD to be four hours long. One of my biggest problems with Whedon’s Justice League was we got NO BACKSTORY on the other members of the League. At the time I thought it was just Warner Brothers just being like “Eh who needs these standalone films? Let’s just jump right into the big boss!”

That’d be like Marvel just saying “Screw it. We did the Iron Man movie NOW STRAIGHT TO AVENGERS!!” We would’ve missed out on a ton of good movies in the meantime, like that one with Ed Norton

*CRICKETS CHIRPING* Ok nobody found that funny I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m getting off topic though. At the time, I thought it was just Warner Brothers. But at the end of the day we can thank Josh Whedon…really how are we gonna go from 4 hours to 2 hours and still know everything we need to know about the main characters in the movie?? He cut out so much backstory just because he wanted this movie to be an MCU movie so badly and throw a joke in every other line.

NO

That’s maybe Marvel’s thing but this is DC. Everyone who has ever read a DC comic knows that they’ve always been darker. Batman’s entire origin story is his parents got shot in front of him.

At the end of the day, I will never forgive Josh Whedon for what he did to Justice League. He took something that had so much potential and just pissed on it.

Zach Snyder. You are the hero that this film community needed and deserved and I thank you so much for finally being able to share your work with us.

10/10